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  • Kylie van Gelder

The Positive Life Changing Things I Learned from having 5 Miscarriages

Updated: Dec 16, 2021

If you let it, growth and happiness can exist during a tragedy.


There is no moment in time when I would wish for anyone to experience the grief and loss of hope I experienced with each of my 5 miscarriages — my 5 roses.


With every loss, I felt a part of me dying and this part will never grow back.


During this 2.5 year period of losing the babies and the almost 6 year infertility process, my now husband and I started to take major inventory of our life as a couple and individually.


Here’s how our life actually got better while losing our 5 bundles of hope.


We started intentionally communicating with each other

As a couple, we learned to communicate better. We heard how couples suffering from multiple miscarriage or total infertility often drifted apart. We were determined to not let this happen to us.


We got better at speaking to each other. We opened up and shared. He was honest about how he could never truly know what it feels like to lose a life growing inside and I was honest in that it felt very lonely.


He wanted to help me, but didn’t know how. I learned to tell him how rather than hint about how.


As a couple we grew stronger. We supported each other and communicated when things weren’t going well.


We decided to stop pointing the finger at one another. Instead, we asked questions. We sat together. We got curious about why we reacted or felt frustrated when one of us said something the other one didn’t like.


Rather than ignoring the other person, we engaged the other person in a conversation — albeit, sometimes an argument. The point was to actually speak to each other. We didn’t want to mumble something under our breath and then pretend we didn’t say anything.


It’s not perfect and we still have our misunderstandings, but now we talk about these rather than sweeping them under the rug.


This was the first positive experience for us, while losing baby after baby.


We worked on our own personal growth

At an individual level, we both started working on our own personal development. I went back to university to get a master’s in psychology.


I did an 8-week Mindfulness Self- Compassion course. This helped me to be more compassionate with myself during the process of loss. It also helped me become more compassionate towards my husband who was experiencing things vastly different compared to what I was experiencing.


We both learned the importance of meditation and journalling. Although, to be completely honest, it took us a while to really nail down these two fantastic habits.


I released control

After the third miscarriage I started to realize I cannot control everything. This was a massive realization for me. It was terrifying. Even now, years later, it still feels scary.


Releasing control helped to reduce my perfectionist tendencies. I discovered that other things in life were (are) simply more important. These tendencies/habits still kick in, but I’ve become more aware of them. Now I refer to myself as a recovering perfectionist.


Gratitude

Going through each miscarriage, at the time seemed like a never ending nightmare. There were times when I questioned if I’d ever be a mother.


Looking back, I see how far I’ve come personally. I can’t help but be grateful for what the losses taught me.


Not only did they teach me about the kind of person I want to be, they also strengthen my relationship with my husband. They helped me learn what it truly means to love.


Now, as a mother of two beautiful and amazing little miracles, I see how my five little losses gave me so much more than I could ever ask for. They gave me hope, love, a lifetime of positive experiences to share and teach with my kids.


As hard as it was, I am forever grateful for the lessons I learned and for the opportunity to have had those little roses growing in my tummy, even if it was only for a short time.


Final thought…


Life’s tragedies don’t always have to end in sad stories.

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